Love and Hate

So it's been over a week since I have written in the 'Blog'. Jordy got upset so here we go. It's actually been a busy week. Last time I wrote about how my questions were answered and in the week since I have been trying to live with the decision and I must say that I am much happier now that I have a purpose! I have made an effort to really get behind the decision and it is working out great!
My mornings go something like this:
Get up at 4:15, not my favorite thing to do still
Get Tom off to work with his lunchbox in hand and a kiss out the door
Usually do my computer time until 6:00 which is facebook, hotmail, usually talking to Jordy
Colton is up at 6:00 and I get him off to school with a full belly and sometimes attitude!
7:30 is Jesus time! Scriptures, prayer, pondering
Anywhere from 8:30-9:00 is when I work out for about 45 min to an hour. I like to go to the gym, but I've been low on fuel and funds so I workout at home which in my opinion is much harder to make myself do.
Then I get ready for the day and clean and do what needs to be done by lunchtime so the afternoon is for me to do what I want. I bake, read, visit, what ever I want to do!
So I am much happier and I believe the family can see it.
Last week was Tom's birthday and Crystal and I made him a cake that looked like a farm. It turned out really cute and he loved it. We had lasagna, salad, bread, and cake and ice cream. We decorated the dining room with black streamers and blue balloons and had a nice time. We had soooooo much cake! I ended up giving so much of it away just so we didn't eat it all. I gave it to neighbors, Austin, in-laws.....whoever I could! I took Bruce Lewis some cake because it was he and Edie's Anniversary on Tom's birthday and I knew he could use some cheering up. She's been gone for a year now...doesn't seem like that long. Wednesday Crys and I helped Andrew and Kimberly take some stuff out of Vonzie's house. Those poor kids are so overwhelmed right now. And Dee Fricken Waldron.....what a jerk!!! Told the kids they had a week to get everything out so they could tear the house down. Von hasn't been gone but 3 weeks! Oh that person......he is going to hell in a handbasket!! So Saturday Tom, Crys, Colt and I went and helped them get the rest of the stuff out. I feel so bad for them cause they are still greiving and then have to put up with stupid, selfish people. I know Dee is a child of God too, but some kids are just naughty, you know?
I went grocery shopping on Saturday and Tom and I went to dinner and a movie, for $22 I might add. We are getting good at dating cheap! We went to Bajio and then went and saw The Wolfman. It was pretty good. Slow at times and kinda graphic too, but really not too bad. I like it the more I think about it. The good man and the evil beast. Probably give it 3.5 out of 5.
Found out yesterday that Noel is having 4 puppies and she could deliver any day. Summer (Crystal's dog) who we thought was also pregnant, is NOT and I am so glad. 4 puppies are enough to deal with. So I'm waiting for her to give birth and I'm pretty excited! Also yesterday I took my taxes to be done and realized that Dee Fricken Waldron didn't take any federal taxes out of my check, so I may end up paying again this year. Hopefully it won't be $3500 again!!! Then I went and re-newed my licence....refer back to an earlier blog......and oh yeah, forgot to say that Tom stayed home and we went and did our running together....I love when he stays home and we can do that. See just another reason I don't have a job, or go to school, couldn't do that!!!
So today, I'm going to meet Tom for Gym Time and then go where the day takes me. I already tore apart my stove trying to find what stinks, I'm sure it's a dead mouse and I was just a gagging!!! Stuffed Vicks up my nose just to try and find the stinking thing. Never did find it but I found lots of mouse poop (ooh gag) and I also found out that the wretched little creatures are eating my wires to my stove. AAAAHHHHH I hate freaking mice and I have had 4, count them,4 cats around here. Stupid waste of space felines!
So until next time......kill the mice, kill the cats, kill Dee, oh I mean 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'


Thoughts for the day:
* Why is the word abbreviated so long?

* Why is there mice? Why is there cats who don't eat mice? And am I the only one who's cat's don't?

* Why is it when you love someone so much, you want to just squeeze the crap out of them? Wouldn't that hurt them and make them stink?



Quote of the day:
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

I think this applies not only to a lost love, but when your kids grow up and love someone else besides you. Even though I love John John to death!! In fact I would squeeze the crap out of him, but then there wouldn't be nothing left and he would stink !Ha Ha

Questions...answered

* Let the man who has ears to hear, use them.

So I did let my ears hear what the Lord had to say to me. My questions that I have been asking and pondering about for weeks, have been answered. Saturday Tom finally said that he would use some of his retirement money for me to go to school. I felt guilty because he would do such a thing for me. But when he finally told me it was a gift from his heart then I accepted. So all day Saturday and Sunday morning I felt like that was my answer. Little did I know the Lord had yet to answer me.

I went to church like every Sunday and was sitting in class, we were learning about the role of Christ as our leader and Savior. I just love Jesus! Any way were learning about how the influence of Satan tries to take us away from the love of our Savior, the Savior is all about love, patience, family, and acceptance. The opposition wants the complete opposite. Duh! Then they opened up the class for comments or whatever. Some were giving stories and some were giving comments and talking about what their relationship with Jesus has given to them and how they feel about it. Well I sat there listening, because I don't really talk in church...wierd I know! But I figure I have alot to learn and being quiet and just listening is the best way. Now I don't know about you, but sometimes things people have to say just are nice stories, or don't really hit me. But other times I am like 'wow I think they are talking right to me!'. This was one of the comments: Lynette quoted Cathy Ure, whom I just adore so I listened....'It just breaks my heart so see mom's leaving their little ones with others to be raised around someone else's influence'.

Wow....it's just like when the Lord let us come here to be influenced by Satan. How hard it must be for Him to see it and know that we are not always going to do the right thing. Now I realize there are situations that a mother has to leave her children to go to work. I'm not a critic. But.....it hit me hard to realize that my kids do still need me. That was #1.

#2 came not too long after. One of Satans influences is to have the cost of living go up so the mother has to leave her children/family to make money. This is where the council of stay out of debt comes in to play. If we are smart with our money, and stay out of debt then the mother/wife can stay where she is needed. We may not have a nice bunch of toys in our yard or go on fancy vacations, but we are so close to being out of debt. In 1 more year, we will be debt free. So why should I go and leave my family to pursue something else? I am happy at home and know now this is where the Lord wants me to stay for now. I thought if something should happen to Tom, then I would then go to school and do what I need to do. Tom loves me at home and the kids love me at home and it's one of the things Jordy remembers the most.....coming home from school and having me here with a snack and a 'how was your day?'.

So today I made a list of things I love to do and I am making a plan. I will stay and do as the Lord asks and make my family top priority! Now that I know what I am suppose to do, I will do it to the best of my ability. I am going to exercise everyday like I use to, have my scripture time, keep my house in order and do something every day that I love to do (hobbies, visiting,volunteer).

I love it when the Lord answers me. I wasn't sure what to do and now.....as long as I got an answer, I don't care which one it is.

A state of confusion

To be or not to be? That is the never ending question in my head for the last year.
I must say that first I'm not complaining, just seriously confused. I have been a mom for almost 21 years and my whole life is my kids, but now they are growing up and some are gone and some are older, what do I do now? I know the girls still need me somewhat, Jordy maybe just to talk or ask questions but she has her own life going and she will always be part of mine. Crystal is almost 18 and going to move on with her life and even if she lives here, she doesn't need me like she use to. Colton is still the one who needs me the most, well I think so, not him. But even that is different than when they were all little.
I know I should be satisfied to be at home because there are so many women out there who don't get that opportunity, but I am just so restless. The things that use to make me content just don't anymore. You can only clean so much, go to the gym and visit and re-do this or that. I really want.....more? I know how that sounds, trust me, I know. I guess I just feel restless because this is a transition in my life....turning 40, having 2/3 of my kids grown and not knowing where or how to change. I have been a mom for so long, and I feel like I have been a good one. How do I do anything else, and do I really need to?
One part of me wants to stay home and be able to re-decorate my home....can still do it if I work/go to school, whatever. If I stay home then I pretty much have my day to do what ever I want to. I can go to the gym, visit my friends, volunteer, take off with Tom whenever I want to.
Another part would love to open up my own business. I know what I love to do and it would be nice to work doing something I love, but then I am married to it in the sense that I wouldn't be able to have freedom to do what ever comes along. But it would be satisifying in the sense that it is something I love and would be seeing people everyday and being able to serve them and make them happy.
The last part of the struggle is that I have been wanting to go to school for the last year or so. It seems like something is always coming up that makes it impossible at the time. I even took all my testing, aced it by the way, and registered and was 1 day away from going when Crystal needed me more. Since then, it seems like there is always something else. Money, the need to take care of someone else and their family, money, fear and did I mention money?
So here I am and all confused!!!! So I am going to pray for guidance and if anyone reads this, please pray for me also. I just don't want to make some huge mistake and be miserable.I know I need to do something because I am getting kind of depressed about it and being idle. Being idle is not what the Lord intends for us to do. Oh it is a sin and I try not to sin too much. So I will pray and maybe talk seriously about it with Tom because he knows I'm confused. I am just sort of wishy washy and never really finish alot of stuff I start.....so this is the time to do it!

Thoughts for the day:
* Why are we never content? Because the Lord wants us to keep learning.

* I'm not afraid of the dark, just afraid of what I can't see. What if something grabs me or is staring at me? AAAAAHHHHHH!

* If a bear chases me and my friend, I know who is going to get eaten. Yeah, I pretty much suck at running! So you better be my friend!


Quote of the day:
One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.

Oh how funny....

Today I want to talk about something funny and uplifting because I have been so.....not happy? Not the word I was looking for, but it will do.
What is funny? Well I almost think everything is funny! I have a way of looking at life with these funny goggles on and I can make almost anything funny. OK, so a train wreck isn't funny, but there are plenty of things that are.
You ever think about how funny you look when you are sick and throwing up in the toilet? Just think about it, you are sticking your face in something that people sit on with a bare butt! And I never notice how dirty it is until I have to stare at it for a while.
This one is a little off color but I can't resist......think of how funny a husband and wife look and act when they are having....relations. The noises alone are enough to make you crack up. I guess it's a good thing they are your spouse cause other wise it would be a little uncomfortable.
People laughing is another thing I find funny. We all have our own distinct laugh. When I laugh really hard I kind of do this thing.....my kids call it the old man laugh. I love laughing and when I really get going it is quite funny because I can't breath and I usually end up peeing my pants....or chair, or what ever I happen to be sitting on. A couple funny stories to go along with that:
* About 7 or 8 years ago me and my girls were staying up late playing Monopoly and it was really late and you know how you get when you are tired....well we do anyway. So we start doing stupid stuff and I can't stop laughing and I told the girls to stop cause I am going to pee my pants and of course they just keep me going to the point where I can't breath. So here I am not breathing and all of a sudden.....you guessed it, I peed my pants and I'm like ' I did it, I did it!' and it goes dribbling down the chair. So yeah needless to say my girls were just dying and we all were laughing harder.
* Just this last fall me and the family were playing another game....Last word, awesome game, it's a word game (obviously) and the word....vulva, yes a girl part, was misunderstood as Volvo and just the way it played out was so stinking funny that we all started laughing to the point of not breathing...and Sandy peeing her pants! Oh I need to start wearing Depends! So that isn't even the funniest part. I got up to go to the bathroom and there was like this little puddle on the chair which I was going to clean up when I got back from the bathroom...but Colton is such a dork. He comes over to the very chair I just got up from and puts his leg up and sticks his foot in the pee!~ Oh my gosh even now I am just laughing so hard thinking about it!

So see.....life is funny! I have been accused of being an insensitive person or a smart alec because I see humor in stuff that some people think shouldn't be funny. Now if someone is hurt or humiliated then it's not funny. But why not laugh at yourself and at life....it's not that serious and nobody gets out alive!

Thoughts for the day:
* Why do men think it's funny to fart and women think it's embarassing?

* Why do women get older and men just age gracefully?

* Why do women have such weak bladders?

* Why can't women pee standing up? I've never tried it, but it seems like it would be hard. Maybe I could win a peeing contest, I don't know!


Quote of the day:
Sure God created man before woman, but then again you always make a rough draft before creating the final masterpiece.”

So today has been wierd. I have had a blow, shock let's say to my extended family. I am not going into details, but it really is quite a surprise.
The thing I want to talk about is family loyalty. Now the people in my story have been very loved and I don't think that it should change. Just because people decide to not be together, that shouldn't mean we can't still love both of them. I am in my later (make it sound like I'm 80) years and I have gotten to know a thing or two about minding my own business and staying as neutral as possible when it comes to family issues. There is the one side of me that is furious, I won't lie about it. But the other part is telling me I don't know the story so I will just shut up and let the chips fall where they may.
Now some of the younger members of the family, who I love with all my heart, are really letting one of the people have it in a way that is almost......chicken shit? If they have something to say, then they should just say it and not where everyone can read or see it. It is hurtful and makes them look bad when I know they are very precious girls.
So here's the thing. How do I stay neutral and still stay loyal? Easy, just let them both know how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I wasn't there when they decided to get together and I shouldn't have to be there when they decide to not be together anymore.
So for all the hurt feeling, mean comments and ugliness there is, let's spread some love and understanding and remember we are family.
I truly do try to love everybody and even if you think I don't, well I really do.


Thoughts for the day:

* Why do we go to the cupboard or fridge 10 times thinking there will be something different than the last time we looked?

* Why is it when I push #1 for English I still can't understand the person on the other end?

Quote of the day:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Crew! My beloved grandson!

Okay so I have been doing this blog for about a month or so and I know there are some people who read it. Well that's very nice and I appreciate it!! But I just realized that for a whole month I haven't talked about one of my very favorite people in the whole world. Ready for a shocker? It's Crew!!! Oh yes my wonderful grandson!

Crew Mitchell Springer, born on December 7, 2007 in Okinawa, Japan. So that makes him just a little over 2 years old and the light of my life! He never bores me and never can do anything wrong. I get the blessings of being his Nana and I can't wait to see him and talk to him again even if I just talked to him the day before.

I get to see Crew and his mamma on Skype (best thing ever invented next to Pepsi) about 2 times a week and I talk to Jordy about 4 times a week. Now I can't forget his mom and dad, they are the reason for his being here. I love Jordy so much and she picked one heck of a husband in John. Very proud of him and his willingness to serve our country and Jordy is so great for supporting him, but everyone knows that Crew is my favorite right now. I know it sounds awful, but it doesn't mean I don't love my kids or Tom. It just means that Crew is my link with Heaven. He is the most darling, funny, sweet, stubborn, squeezable baby. And he is just the remedy for a bad day or rough week. He can make me smile and laugh and believe in goodness when I'm really wondering if there is any left in the world.

Being a grandma is the best gift God can give me. It means that I did a good job raising Jordan to be a good mom. It means that even during the worst teen-age moment I chose not to strangle my child. It means that because Jordy wants me to be a part of Crew's life, that she loves me and that means everything to me. I am so lucky to be the Nana of Crew and maybe his sibling(s) one day.

The only thing that will make it more complete is when I have a whole house full of grandchildren. Crystal and Colton will bless me with more I hope and then....wow will my life be joyous! Overflowing! Tom loves being a grandparent as much as I do. He loves that boy and spoils him like I've never seen anyone else be spoiled. Papa and Crew have an awesome relationship and I am so glad. I loved my grandpa so much and I know how important it is to have that in your life.

So here's to being a grandparent......the reward for not killing your children!

Thought for the day:

* A funny one by my friend Tracy: Why can't we park in the handicap space, but can use the handicap bathroom?

Quote for the day:

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.

Friends

I would like to talk about friends this morning. I have so many wonderful friends who have been there for the good times, the bad times and all the times in between. Friends are the glue that holds my life together! Friends don't have to be someone you see or talk to every day. They can be someone you meet only once, or see just once in a while or see once a day! They can be boys, girls, men, women, animals, and family.

I happen to have the best friend in the world....Tom. He is my very best friend, the one I can tell anything to and he will listen, give advice or just let me vent. He keeps my feet on the ground and keeps me humble. My girls are also my best friends. It is so nice to have daughters who can be my friends too. They are the ones I can be stupid with and just have random laughter and they know when I'm not having a good day. Jordy can call and tell if something is wrong right away. Crystal is my closest buddy right now because we are spending so much time together that we know each others thoughts. What ever will I do when she moves out? And you know, when they grow up, they are still your kids, but they are also your friends and it is so awesome!!! It is so great because when they know I'm having a hard time or bad day or I know they need to laugh, we don't get caught up in the emotional stuff, we just change the topic and start laughing about something we have done or something we remember and pretty soon the bad thing or bad day just disappears!

Colton is also my buddy, although he's not to the point the girls are yet. He is still young and going through the 'cool' stage of 6th grade. He is too cool for me right now and everything I do that we all think is funny, well he's just over there rolling his eyes.

My siblings are my friends and I have some pretty awesome cousins who are some of my best friends. We may not talk alot, but when we do it's great and I feel like we just picked up where we left off. No excuses for not talking all the time or calling or whatever, just friends who are related and love each other.

I have some great friends from my school days too. People who I see all the time (Deana Face), or once a year or sometimes longer, but they too don't feel the need to make excuses and neither do I for not getting together. We all have our lives to live and just because they aren't in it all the time doesn't mean they aren't part of it.

My visiting teacher is another treasured friend of mine. She is good to me and is my neighbor. She is good to my entire family and never judges anything. My sisters at church are very special to me also and we are really happy to see each other.

Noel is my little friend who is always glad to see me. She gives me kisses each time I get home, even if I've only gone over town for 15 minutes. She jumps on me and I have to pick her up. Noel is my cute little Shi Tzu dog. She is the one who comes to me and snuggles when I am crying or sick and never judges me when I get mad because she is under my feet. She is quick to forgive and always loves me! We could all take lessons in friendship from dogs.

I also am very lucky to have the Springers as my friends. They are Jordy's in-laws but we love them so much. Even my kids go see them by themselves or just call them up to say hi. They come to almost every function we have so I consider myself lucky to be friends with my daughter's other family. We also have some great friends in the StClairs. Big Mike and Switchblade Lucy and their son Austin are some of the funnest people to be around, they make me laugh!

So to all my friends, those who are my family, those who I see once a year or haven't even met yet, I am glad you are my friends because we can never have too many!

Thoughts for the day:

* Why is it so hard to make new friends? Because you are afraid they don't like you? How will they know if you don't get to know them?

* Someone can like me for who I am, if not they are missing out!

* What did we do before cell phones? Drive and listen to the radio, actually eat and talk to the person across the table from you, read a book on the bus or just visit with the person next to you?

Quote of the day:

There are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. :)

Anxiety.......gone!

Today is the first day in a couple of weeks that I woke up and didn't feel anxious. Don't really know why I felt that way, but I did and I hated it! I would wake up mad, nervous, heart beating fast and frustrated and I had no idea why!
I think that I was just stressed out at first because things were beyond my control and I didn't know how to go about fixing it. Through no fault of her own, a sweet family member was in limbo and I didn't know what to do.
Second, Von died and I didn't realize until Monday night that it really pissed me off. I guess I was too caught up in guilt to realize that it makes me mad that he left so soon and that our family didn't get to say good-bye. Monday was the straw.....people just literally pissed me off! After I talked to Tom (thank goodness I have my Woobie) he made me feel better. I went to the funeral Tuesday feeling somewhat better and when they said the family prayer before the funeral I had a sense of peace come over me. I knew it was ok and I shouldn't worry about it anymore. The stuff that I was so worried about, isn't really important to Vonzie anymore. So I should let it go. I wrote him the poem and put it in his casket with a pic of he and I and I told him how much I loved him and after that, I felt at peace. He knows I love him and he loves me and that is all that matters anymore. That's the only thing left after we pass through the veil, we take our love with us.
So another thing to happen is Shaley got her own place and I am happy for her......and us. It was getting so hard on all of us and she needed to move on with her life and not wait for anyone else to do it. She will be so much happier and she and I can be best buds again! She's only in Ogden, so it's not too far and I can go steal the kids when I want to. I am glad she spent some time with us, but the time has come and now we can all get on with it! I will misss that baby though, he loves his Nan!
Now the let-down of all the emotions starts.......so here's my headache! But that I can get through. Once again I can say with peace in my heart......I love my life!


Thoughts for the day:

* Why do people say that a paper cut is the worst? Wouldn't it be worse to cut your finger with butcher knife?

* Why does my daughter's name mean a very large penis? Ha...Jordan!!! urbandictionary.com

* Why do they cancel all the shows I love the most? Am I just a dork and like stupid shows?

* Why don't I write down all my thoughts so when I do my blog I'm not trying to think of something to say? :)


Quote of the day:
* Saying good-by is only painful if you never get to say hello again.

A POEM FOR VONZIE

A VERY FINE MAN THE LORD DID SEND,

CAUSE VONZIE YOU'RE OUR TREASURED FRIEND

YOU'RE THE MOST GIVING MAN WE EVER DID MEET,

BENEATH YOUR HARD HEAD, YOU'RE SO VERY SWEET

YOU TREATED THE KIDS LIKE THEY WERE YOUR OWN,

JUST ANOTHER GRANDPA, THAT'S HOW YOU WERE KNOWN

YOU WERE AT EACH BIRTHDAY, HOLIDAY AND SUCH,

WE LOVED HAVING YOU NEAR SO VERY MUCH!

A SATURDAY BREAKFAST WAS ALWAYS A JOY,

YOU GOT SO EXCITED, LIKE A KID WITH A TOY!

YOU'LL BE MISSED EACH MORNING AT COFFEE WITH THE GUYS,

THEY'LL MISS YOUR OPINIONS, NOW THERE'S A SURPRISE!

WE'LL KEEP WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL OR DRIVE BY,

THEN WITH A TEAR IN OUR EYE, WE'LL REMEMBER WHY.

WE'LL MISS YOU DEAR FRIEND, AND ALL THAT YOU DO

BUT PLEASE JUST REMEMBER HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU!

Thoughts for the day:

* Why does it matter if the groundhog see's his shadow? There is another 6 weeks till spring anyway.

* How does a cloud hold all that water when it's just vapor?

* Why do siblings beat the crap out of each other, but when someone else wants to do it, then they are all up in their face?

* Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Isn't it already sour?

Quote for the day:

* When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing!